I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
