I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
