Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
