I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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