Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
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i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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