I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
