The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They took my balls.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
