where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
