I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize