On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
