Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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