I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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