as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
