I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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