Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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