i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
