John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
