Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm too high and old for this...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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