Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
