There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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