Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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