Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
