this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
