come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
