The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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