I didn't shave. On purpose
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
