Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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