If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
