I think im going to throw up on grandma
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
