I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
