My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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