why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
