This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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