im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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