What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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