My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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