do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
