You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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