We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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