have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
as a side note pls kill me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
