when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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