Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
