I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
