You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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