Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
