Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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