Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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