It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
