You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
