is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My vagina is very pro this idea
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
