I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
