My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
