SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
