I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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