Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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