I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
